This girl I work with but don't know very well is apparently sleeping with a married man that I have worked with. From what I understand, everyday this girl and the married man sneak off at lunch to have sex. Also, apparently, this girl routinely gives this guy blowjobs at his cubicle every morning.

I recently checked a medical website that the average ejaculation is between 3-6 milliliters of manjuice. Now these two have been going at it for a year, so doing the math if she gives him three blowjobs a week times 50 weeks, that's 150 blowjobs. That equals about a half a liter of cum that this girl has swallowed this last year alone.

I love math.

Cheryl and I had a long discussion last night over why Tom and I fight so much. I proposed that Tom often starts by making some snide comment about me and I just respond. Tom then responds and we just keep going on and on. But this can't be true because I'm sure I do the same thing.

Cheryl proposed that Tom and I are so competitive that we often look at the negatives of each other's lives rather than encouraging all the positives. I don't think that's true either because Tom and I have often times spoken seriously and done just that to each other. It's only when we're bantering that we make such competitive comments like "My sister would never date you, Aaron" or "That's ok, I can just buy your sister with all my money" that we start angering each other.

In all honesty, constantly fighting with Tom is rather tiring and sad because in the end I think it keeps us at a distance from each other. Despite this, I think we just like pushing each other's buttons and regardless of long-term effects, and I don't see anything ever really changing.

So the Patriot act is in full effect and we here have changed many forms here in the mailroom, many forms. But this is the funny part this is how our company defines it...

The USA Patriot Act, which stands for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism, was enacted to prevent money laundering and stem the flow of financing to terrorist organizations through the financial services industry.

Soooo this thing was about MONEY LAUNDERING??? WTF? You can now be jailed with no notice and held without being charged and it is about money laundering and the financial services industry?
And why the fuck is this another acronym? Which flag waiving act started this manditory use of fake military terminology for everything? I can see G Dubbya there in his treehouse sucking on a popsicle saying "Ok guys new rule: everything this government comes up with to solve any problem MUST be a hokey poorly thought out acronym or color coded code."
THEY CAME UP WITH AN ACRONYM FOR U.S.A! Jesus H Fuck, it already is one!!! What the hell does Schwarzenegger stand for?

On 9-28-03 Radiohead kicked my balls off.
That does it, Radiohead is now my true favorite band. The concert last night was proceeded by listening to 94/9's pre concert radiohead show in thick traffic. Then followed by Kate and I doing very heavy beer drinking at the trunk of the Volvo. Beer inside the show was $7.00, so we saved well over $400. We sat drunk, eating stale stone ground corn chips and cheese dip and occasionally I would leap away to pee on the vegitation in the expansive dirt parking lot. We missed Supergrass and stumbled in an hour late.
Radiohead took the stage and everyone stood up. They didn't sit down again for the whole show. I have never seen an entire concert crowd stay at its feet for a whole show, much less sway in perfect unison in an a truly shared moment of musical bliss as blue lights behind the band sofltly waved. I felt as if we were having the same collective thought if we were a giant backup chorus for the band as we all sang as one. Radiohead don't always play pretty music and are often paint a picture of a reality that is thoroghly depressing, which in fact it really is. The feeling last night was yes, we all feel that way and while we may never get over what ever it is that keeps us from a perfect and easy existence at least we know that others are there with you, chanting in unison "this is what you get...when you mess with us."
We exited the show en mass in what My friend Lee calles "group fantasy phase out" still thinking about the show experience yet not quite feeling the reality of a horrid traffic jam that awaited. We got to the car and Kate fell asleep in the passenger seat. I opened the trunk, got another beer and sat on the hood watching the sea of stationary tailights and sillouetted human figures in the dim light and dust. I offered beer to the guys stuck in the car next to me and we talked about the concert, kyaking and music in general for an hour. The ride home was surreal and a sence of overwhealming accomplishment came over me once we finally reached the freeway, as if I had personnally walked and conquered those many miles on foot. The whole way home in the back of my head was that chorus of fans, still endlessly chanting the last line from Karma Police "for a minute there, I lost myself...I lost myself." and I realized again how much I want to play music and how it makes me live and breathe and how deeply I want to feel exactly what I experienced last night again and again and again...but be on the other side of the stage, looking out, sparking it, controling it watching it as it all goes down.

Ray: No one here but us faggots.

Satan: ...

I walked into the bathroom at work. There was a row of urinals. A little green man sat wedged between the last urinal and the wall, masturbating. I was appalled.
"Jesus Fucking Christ!" I screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"
He smiled at me and, still pulling furiously at his little green penis, gave me the finger. I didn't know what else to do so I asked him his name. He flipped me off again and in a small, grunty voice said "Mescalito."
"What?" I asked, not quite hearing him.
"Fuck you!" he shouted, "Mescalito!"
With that he flipped me off once again. This time he held the gesture for a few moments, his hands bobbing up and down in an oddly syncopated rhythm. Sensing that I would get no more of an explanation from him, I left the restroom, made my way through a maze of cubicles, and sat down at my desk.

A few minutes later my boss arrived and began detailing a sales report that needed to be recalculated. It was difficult to seem interested. Mescalito suddenly appeared sitting on top of the cubicle wall directly behind my boss. If my boss sensed the little man she gave no indication as she rattled on, seemingly unaware of the green imp masturbating feverishly some ten feet away from her. I tried not to notice but the whole scene was so completely absurd that I couldn't help but snicker out loud. Each time I did Mescalito would give off a little grunt of satisfaction and flip me the bird, grinning ever more diabolically, pulling his pud with increasing speed. Fortunately he was so precariously balanced on the cubicle wall, little forest legs dangling over the side, that the force of his pleasure-pounding caused him to fall backwards. Soon after my boss finished telling me about the sales report, having noticed neither my barely contained laughter or its source.

I arrived home from work that day tired but in excellent high spirits, perhaps a result of the sheer unbelievability of the events I had witnessed. At the time I lived with my girlfriend Erica. She got home from work before I did and usually greeted me at the door. Today she was nowhere to be found. Not yet worried, I set my keys down and went to the kitchen for a glass of cranberry juice. Halfway through the glass I heard the unmistakable sound of squeaking bedsprings coming from the bedroom Erica and I shared. I dropped the glass mid-swallow and burst into the room. I was utterly shocked to find Mescalito fucking the shit out of my girlfriend.

A friend of mine emailed me and some of his friends that I know an article from Rolling Stone that ranked Hendrix as the greatest guitarist ever. I responded back "Well at least Clapton didn't win" because I don't care for Eric Clapton (he got 2nd place) and I think he's overrated, especially when compared to guys like Hendrix, Townsend, Page, Fripp, Gilmore, Zappa, Prince, and countless others. This was the response I got from one of the friends

"another jealous amateur, How many records/cd/albums have you made? What record company have you signed with? Oh that's right I forgot you are the music man!"

Somehow, people percieve me as an asshole.

You knew what you were doing
When he asked you, you said "ok"
You knew what he would do with the picture
But you didn't care
Maybe it was for money
But maybe it was because you wanted to,
And money had nothing to do with it
So you got down on your knees
And sucked his cock better than you ever have before
Because he was holding that camera
You wanted to look like a good whore
You wanted to earn that money
And you smiled for the camera
You may be somebody's daughter
But today you're the slut
In my porn folder
That I jerked off to
Thank you

Tom: Okay, so say me and Sade like, hook up. Do you think she'd watch porn with me?

Satan: I dunno, she doesn't really seem like the type.

Tom: I know. She'd probably think it's disgusting and exploits women.

Satan: But...you don't know that for sure. For all you know Sade could have a large collection of really good porn. She could afford it you know. Hell, she might even finance her own porno movies because she feels that they could be made better, more romantic AND intelligent. Hell, she might love nothing more than firing up a fat spliff, puttin' on some sweet hardcore XXX fuck flicks, and boning her favorite man till the morning sun comes up.

Tom: I...I...love her.

Satan: Yes my son.

I've always liked Sade. Unfortunately, my affection has recently crossed the line into near-obsession: I bought a Sade DVD, concert footage filmed on her last tour. I don't even own a DVD player. As such, I did the only thing I could think of- I sent in a prayer request to Peter Popoff. It went something like this:

Dear Rev. Popoff:

I am obsessed with the singer Sade. Lately I have been having impure thoughts about her everywhere I go: at work, at home, in my sister's room, etc. I don't know what to do. Her beauty and sensual voice have caused me to stray from God's path. I pray that with your help I can find it again.

Thank you,
Tom Amans

I'm really, really hoping for a response.

Today I pulled project lead aside and decided to make a point about my meager raise. I told him that I was brought onto this project to be a programmer, but that I was also coordinating the power outlets, rearranging the test area, and all sorts of other stuff that isn't part of my job but someone elses job who gets more money than me. Also, I wanted him to know that if I am successful, the other guy will get equal props as me and a pat on the back when I did the brunt of the work. Basically, I'm underpaid for a Master's student, underappreciated, and my work is trivialized while others get glorified.

After saying all this, it dawned on me... he really didn't give a shit.

I don't know if limericks are passe or not, but then again I really don't care. I wrote mine about HIGH SCHOOL.

I thought about high school today
what it took to make the grade.
Well things sure have changed
since school bells last clanged
and forced ME to sit well behaved

They cut the budget to start,
cut Music, Dance and then Art.
Home Ec got the chop,
they even cut Shop!
Saved cash, but are the kids smart?

High school is college prep now
You need ivy-league know how.
Just look at me
(a college degree)
but can't get a job in this town.

I feel so free, when did I lose sight?
I am happy to work ten hours a day
I love my wife and our future together
Finally everything is making sense

I knew what I wanted three years ago
A quiet life, working every day
A woman to share my day with
I had it for fourteen months

Two years of darkness came over our lives
Our weeks became long, stretching out forever
Even planning a marriage was a chore
But the worst was yet to come

A semester here, a second job there
My favorite band just broke up
I was too busy to masturbate
Both of us too tired to sooth each other

But now everything is winding down
Things are changing every day
Back to the way things were
I never want to go to school again

This morning my ex sent me an email
telling me that she's not going to talk to me anymore
it's too painful to be friends
so she's going to sever all ties
because she has some serious healing to do

I read the email at work
and later on that day
I took a break and went walking
walking through the hot summer air
it's funny how heat becomes a part of your existence
like a person following you around, all the time, always there
but anyways-

I was headed back to work when I passed a row of trees
They were tall and relatively thin
their branches were covered in small leaves
that were green on one side
and dull-gray-brownish green on the other
as I walked by the wind picked up
the branches on the trees gently swayed
and the leaves began to spin, twisting around
the trees were close enough together to form one continuous stretch of leaves
it reminded me of snowy static on television
that moved in time with the wind

and I thought to myself
if I hadn't broken up with her
I might not have seen that
I wonder what else I've been missing

I think I've been spending too much time on literotica. It's only a matter of time before I submit something. Thank you Tony, you opened up a whole new world for me.

So, who here is voting for McBaine for Governor? How about Gary Coleman? Did Gallagher get all his signatures in on time? Will Larry Flynt be able to get a state budget passed and will he change our state flag to have that beaver in the center? WHO WILL LEAD US? I think we need to come to terms with California holding the official title of being the stupidest state ever. I can't wait to hear the campaign slogans. The Governator. What choo talkin bout energy crisis? Smashed, and sinking! Ask not what your state can do for you, but who in the state you can do.
Taxpayers unite! Vote now before Fox makes it all into a reality show called Joe Governor.

All things must pass
Sometimes life is not lived in the present
Things will always be better in the future
For no one knows what the future is
Poor servants excuse their pitiful lives
In the hope their death will finally bring them happines
Sitting on the right side of God
Watching their king feel the pain they know so well
The first will be last and the last will be first
But that's all bullshit
Live is lived in each passing moment
Your life is only what you make of it
A wealthy man can be poor
A strong man can be weak
A smart man can be stupid
We must deal with only what we choose to accept
Our limitations are only self-imposed
Our lives are lived in the present
Tomorrow is just an excuse

Why isn't the website up? Here's why the website isn't up:


From: "Host Department"
To: "Tom"
Subject: Transcript of your chat
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 20:08:28 -0400


The following is a record of your online chat.
General Info
Chat start time Aug 5, 2003 7:39:00 PM EST
Chat end time Aug 5, 2003 8:06:26 PM EST
Duration (actual chatting time) 00:27:26
Operator David

Chat Transcript
info: While waiting you might want to review our Knowledge Base. If you are having problem with your mail service, please view our mail service update here. Thank you for your patience.

info: You are now chatting with 'David'

David: Welcome to HostDepartment Live Chat Service. How may I help you?

Tom: Hello David. I spoke to Isaac yesterday about changing my name servers and getting a logon name and password in order to
access my domain name control panel. I emailed the people he told me to but no one got back to me. Can you help me?

David: We are apologize.. the DNR control panel is still cannot functioning correctly..
David: please try again tomorrow..

Tom: Oh i see. Well, can change my name servers?
Tom: I'm sorry, who can change my name servers?

David: If the DNR is come back fine. you will able to manage Name server

Tom: And if it doesn't, then I'm not fine David. I need to change my name servers as soon as possible and I don't have time to wait and see if the control panel is working properly. Do you know who can help me accomplish this?

David: DNR should be back tomorrow.. Sir

Tom: I was kind of looking for a "yes" or a "no" Dave...

David: I afraid i cannot give you an absolute answer since there are no notification from our admin

Tom: You don't have to be afraid David, I'm not mad at you. I'm just trying to find the right person to get in contact with.

David: Sir I'm sorry. My shift time has ended, you may try to log back in live chat again in a couple minutes. My friend will replace me

Tom: have a good nite

David: thanks..
David: Thank you for your cooperation & understanding.

Tom: why thank you
Tom: i don't mean to be a bitch
Tom: but my balls are in a bit of a vice here, you know?

info: Chat session has ended.

WILL DOMINIC STOP PISSING TOM OFF TODAY? PROBABLY NOT!

WILL TOM TURN EBAY INTO THE NEXT AUDIOGALAXY? TUNE IN NEXT TIME! (bitch)