I walked into the bathroom at work. There was a row of urinals. A little green man sat wedged between the last urinal and the wall, masturbating. I was appalled.
"Jesus Fucking Christ!" I screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"
He smiled at me and, still pulling furiously at his little green penis, gave me the finger. I didn't know what else to do so I asked him his name. He flipped me off again and in a small, grunty voice said "Mescalito."
"What?" I asked, not quite hearing him.
"Fuck you!" he shouted, "Mescalito!"
With that he flipped me off once again. This time he held the gesture for a few moments, his hands bobbing up and down in an oddly syncopated rhythm. Sensing that I would get no more of an explanation from him, I left the restroom, made my way through a maze of cubicles, and sat down at my desk.

A few minutes later my boss arrived and began detailing a sales report that needed to be recalculated. It was difficult to seem interested. Mescalito suddenly appeared sitting on top of the cubicle wall directly behind my boss. If my boss sensed the little man she gave no indication as she rattled on, seemingly unaware of the green imp masturbating feverishly some ten feet away from her. I tried not to notice but the whole scene was so completely absurd that I couldn't help but snicker out loud. Each time I did Mescalito would give off a little grunt of satisfaction and flip me the bird, grinning ever more diabolically, pulling his pud with increasing speed. Fortunately he was so precariously balanced on the cubicle wall, little forest legs dangling over the side, that the force of his pleasure-pounding caused him to fall backwards. Soon after my boss finished telling me about the sales report, having noticed neither my barely contained laughter or its source.

I arrived home from work that day tired but in excellent high spirits, perhaps a result of the sheer unbelievability of the events I had witnessed. At the time I lived with my girlfriend Erica. She got home from work before I did and usually greeted me at the door. Today she was nowhere to be found. Not yet worried, I set my keys down and went to the kitchen for a glass of cranberry juice. Halfway through the glass I heard the unmistakable sound of squeaking bedsprings coming from the bedroom Erica and I shared. I dropped the glass mid-swallow and burst into the room. I was utterly shocked to find Mescalito fucking the shit out of my girlfriend.