Tom: Okay, once again I've been away for a while. I've got a few items to go over here if you've got a second.

Satan: Shoot.

Tom: I think I figured out why parents love their kids so much.

Satan: Yes?

Tom: Well, they've been right there from the beginning, they've seen their children in their most innocent state, and they've also more than likely been a witness or a cause of many of the things that have shaped their children's personalities. They have a window looking into the psyche of their children that almost no one else could ever have. Hence they have an understanding of their children's motivations and actions that, even if it is unconscious, is far greater than probably anyone else's.

Satan: Unless we're talking about one of those parents who tries to eat their offspring, literally or figuratively.

Tom: True. But you know what I'm sayin right? How it doesn't make sense to hate anyone because there's an infinitely complex series of events that have made them who they are?

Satan: So what else?

Tom: Well, this is my first post-France semester post so I kinda feel like I should say something about that. But I'm not going to. Yet.

Satan: Okay. What else?

Tom: Check this out: http://socialgenius.typepad.com/conversations_with_satan_/ Can you believe this motherfucker?

Satan: Maybe it's a coincidence.

Tom: Yeah fuckin' right. His blog is brand new. I been here for years. Like LL Cool J.

Satan: Well, I guess it's time I came clean with this...

Tom: What?

Satan: You were gone for too long Tom. I've been seeing someone else.

Tom: WHAT THE FUCK?

Satan: Look Tom...I got bored, okay? You know this relationship has never fulfilled me! I have needs that aren't being met! You're not the only one who matters, you know that you selfish piece of shit? Oh look at me, I'm Tom! I think I'll run out to Texas because I'm in love with some punk rock chick... oh what do you know, that crashed in burned in record time, now I think I'll run off to France and cavort with Parisian whores for a few months! After all, I'm the only one who matters around here...

Tom: I do have a cool life, don't I?

Satan: Shut up. I hate you.

Tom: Fine. Go fart around with your new friend. You'll be all mine again soon.

Satan: Like hell I will.

Tom: We'll see about that, buddy. I've got DOMINIC on my side.

Satan: Bring it.

Dividends of The Big Payoff

It's not that looking for jobs is the worst thing. It's wanting to stand up in the middle of the interview and shout, "Yes, yes, oh god YES I'm one of THEM! I'm an ECCENTRIC! One of those which all your carefully prepared, snappy little forms and legal agreements and drug tests are supposed to weed out! God damn it, couldn't you have done us both a favor and tried a little harder? I mean, for chrissakes I'm stoned RIGHT NOW! As soon as I leave here I'm going to go home and smoke more and read some Charles Bukowski! I'll probably be listening to Satie when I do it. After I'm done there I'll probably masturbate a few times in glorious stoned ecstasy and then pass out, sticky cock still in hand. Fuck that, I KNOW I will! And you know what? FUCK YOU TOO! WHAT?!? Oh yes... yes of course I'll submit to a voluntary urine analysis. Be happy to."

P.S.- You hear the shit coming out of those speakers overhead? You know what that is? No? I didn't think so... it's VIVALDI you motherfucker, and why are you listening to it?

Even with this attitude, it took me two days to find a job. I'm INVINCIBLE.