So I was at the beach a few nights ago. I made up my mind a few weeks ago to visit one of my favorite beaches before I go so I could say some goodbyes to my hometown. Not that I'm never gonna come back, it just might be a while before I live here again, if ever. I went to the tidepools at La Jolla and watched the sky and the waves breaking over the rocks. I wasn't feeling too good as I drove there but as soon as I parked my bike and started walking to the beach I couldn't stop smiling. The wind was blowing and it was cold, but I looked up into that black sky and felt completely free. I guess that's why I'm leaving. I stared out into the blackness for a while and thought about my family and my friends and the people I care about. I thought about how all my relationships are in my head and I'll always have them with me because of that. I felt connected to everything. I felt absolutely insignificant, and that made me feel good. I felt like a god and that made me smile too.
Eventually I got too cold and went to a coffeeshop for some tea. I just happened to bring my Walt Whitman reader with me that day. I've been skipping around as I read it, and imagine my surprise when I opened it up to this poem:
"On The Beach At Night Alone"
On the beach at night alone,
As the old mother sways her to and fro singing her husky song,
As I watch the bright stars shining, I think a thought of the
clef of the universes and of the future.
A vast similitude interlocks all,
All spheres, grown, ungrown, small, large, suns, moons, planets,
All distances of place however wide,
All distances of time, all inanimate forms,
All souls, all living bodies though they be ever so different, or in different worlds,
All gaseous, watery, vegetable, mineral processes, the fishes, the brutes,
All nations, colors, barbarisms, civilizations, languages,
All indentities that have existed or may exist on this globe, or any globe,
All lives and deaths, all of the past, present, future,
This vast similitude spans them, and always has spann'd,
And shall forever span them and compactly hold and enclose them.
I don't believe in magic or mystical coincidences or anything like that, but I'll say this: after seeing what I saw and reading those words, I'm ready. I'm free. Beyond any contraints, be they emotional, monetary, governmental, or whatever... I'm ready.
20041216
Satan: How'd it go?
Tom: Pretty good. I talked to my sister beforehand and she reminded me that I've dealt with people being flaky on me in the past, not calling when they're supposed to and not being somewhere when they say they're gonna be, and I'm worried about repeating history you know? I told her Tiff has similar issues with people trying to control her.
Satan: You're not the controlling type.
Tom: I know and it seems like we just weren't understanding each other.
Satan: So it's all good.
Tom: I think so...I mean yeah, I know it is, I just feel kinda shaky you know? I hate fighting with people I love. I don't want her to hate me for making a stink but it was important, you know?
Satan: Yeah yeah yeah. So what are you gonna do when you get there?
Tom: Four-fingered surprise, day and night baby!
Satan: Ooooh, what's THAT?
Tom: Hahahahahahaha...
Satan: Tell me tell me!
Tom: Shut up you demonic little bitch.
Tom: Pretty good. I talked to my sister beforehand and she reminded me that I've dealt with people being flaky on me in the past, not calling when they're supposed to and not being somewhere when they say they're gonna be, and I'm worried about repeating history you know? I told her Tiff has similar issues with people trying to control her.
Satan: You're not the controlling type.
Tom: I know and it seems like we just weren't understanding each other.
Satan: So it's all good.
Tom: I think so...I mean yeah, I know it is, I just feel kinda shaky you know? I hate fighting with people I love. I don't want her to hate me for making a stink but it was important, you know?
Satan: Yeah yeah yeah. So what are you gonna do when you get there?
Tom: Four-fingered surprise, day and night baby!
Satan: Ooooh, what's THAT?
Tom: Hahahahahahaha...
Satan: Tell me tell me!
Tom: Shut up you demonic little bitch.
20041215
Tom: This morning I was thinking about going into therapy.
Satan: Why would you need therapy when you have me for a confidant? Me, a figment of your imagination that you personify with a Biblical name that stands for everything evil, unwholesome, and destructive in the universe. I'm genuinely hurt.
Tom: Fuck you, bitch. I'm all jacked up over a woman.
Satan: Can't get that shit on lockdown?
Tom: Honestly, I don't know what my fuckin' problem is anymore. Monday morning she sent me a few emails saying she was worried about money and then I started worrying too. She said she was gonna call me at 7 that night. I figured I'd be okay until then but I was still worried as fuck. She was tired and fell asleep and didn't call me until like 1 in the morning. By that time I had already left in a huff, gone to the beach and wept harder than I have in years, came back, and went to bed sad and angry.
Satan: Jesus fucking Christ man, you cried over that?
Tom: No. I'm leaving for Austin on Sunday and I've been planning on going to one of my favorite beaches before I leave so I can say some goodbyes, you know real spiritual shit like that. I went to La Jolla and the waves breaking underneath the black sky were too much. I've been going to that beach since I was a child and I started getting hit with all sorts of images of my family: my mom picking up seashells, my dad and I playing in the surf, stuff like that. I know how much my parents mean to me and in the past two years or so I've been coming to grips with the fact that I'm not going to have them one day. I'm okay with it but goddamn it was overwhelming. Then I thought of my pregnant sister, who I love just as much. This whole "circle of life" thing completed itself in my head and it was as overwhelming as getting run over by a fuckin freight train. I'm glad it was dark out so no one could see me crying.
Satan: So...maybe this isn't all about Tiffany?
Tom: Maybe not. Two people have posited the notion that maybe I am still stressed out from finals, which aren't over yet.
Satan: But they're almost over right? Why do you need therapy?
Tom: Yesterday morning Tiffany and I talked and it was all good. She sent me an email later asking me what time I was gonna be home so she could call me. I told her and made plans to be around when she called. I was on my way home and decided to check my email on a whim. She had sent me another email telling me that she wouldn't be able to call me until later because she was going to see Punk and Porn. If I hadn't have checked my email on a whim I would have been waiting again and gotten very, very upset. Instead of getting upset about it, I sent her an email asking if we could set up a time that's convenient for both of us to talk so I'm not waiting around going nuts and she's not feeling like a bad girlfriend because she doesn't have a phone.
Satan: And?
Tom: She called me and was upset about the email. She says she tries really hard to call me and she doesn't have a phone and when we first hooked up she TOLD me that she needs someone who can keep up with her busy life. I just want to stop feeling the way I have been for the past 3 days and I was asking for her help. Instead I feel like I got attitude and misunderstanding. I went to bed absolutely livid.
Satan: What are you gonna do?
Tom: I don't know. She said she'd call me at two today. I'm afraid to say anything about it.
Satan: Okay, okay, hold on here. You're REALLY tweaked about this whole thing. You've already said it might not all be about the phone situation...
Tom: Yeah. I'm really fuckin afraid and insecure in relationships.
Satan: Well, fuck man...aren't we all?
Tom: I don't fuckin' know. I ain't you.
Satan: So how do you feel about her right now?
Tom: I love her. I miss her and I think it's coming out in fucked up ways. Last night I was almost mad enough to punch a hole in the fucking wall, but I would have given anything to talk to her for five more minutes. Right now I'm at work and I've been checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she's sent something. Every time the phone rings I look to see if it's her number. I'm driving myself nuts.
Satan: Relax.
Tom: Huh, easy for you to say.
Satan: Oh yeah Tom, I'm not really you. Fuck you.
Tom: No fuck you.
Satan: Look man...
Tom: Hey, I TOLD her I have baggage too, but NOOOOOO, she didn't believe me... "Oh you're PERFECT Tom, you're so handsome and sweet." Maybe baby, but I gotta tell you...
Satan: No buts. Just quit being a shithead right now.
Tom: That's the tragedy. I'm not trying to be a shithead.
Satan: Look this is getting really sad. Will you just give yourself AND your poor girlfriend a break?
Tom:
Satan: Oh hell.
Tom:
Satan:
Tom:
Satan: Well?
Tom: Well what?
Satan: Oh screw you man, I'm outta here. Gonna go listen to my new Bill Hicks CD. FUCK YOU.
Tom: Fine. I got plenty to do here. I'm totally okay now. I feel great. I can totally resist the urge to check my email every five minutes. Screw you.
Satan: Why would you need therapy when you have me for a confidant? Me, a figment of your imagination that you personify with a Biblical name that stands for everything evil, unwholesome, and destructive in the universe. I'm genuinely hurt.
Tom: Fuck you, bitch. I'm all jacked up over a woman.
Satan: Can't get that shit on lockdown?
Tom: Honestly, I don't know what my fuckin' problem is anymore. Monday morning she sent me a few emails saying she was worried about money and then I started worrying too. She said she was gonna call me at 7 that night. I figured I'd be okay until then but I was still worried as fuck. She was tired and fell asleep and didn't call me until like 1 in the morning. By that time I had already left in a huff, gone to the beach and wept harder than I have in years, came back, and went to bed sad and angry.
Satan: Jesus fucking Christ man, you cried over that?
Tom: No. I'm leaving for Austin on Sunday and I've been planning on going to one of my favorite beaches before I leave so I can say some goodbyes, you know real spiritual shit like that. I went to La Jolla and the waves breaking underneath the black sky were too much. I've been going to that beach since I was a child and I started getting hit with all sorts of images of my family: my mom picking up seashells, my dad and I playing in the surf, stuff like that. I know how much my parents mean to me and in the past two years or so I've been coming to grips with the fact that I'm not going to have them one day. I'm okay with it but goddamn it was overwhelming. Then I thought of my pregnant sister, who I love just as much. This whole "circle of life" thing completed itself in my head and it was as overwhelming as getting run over by a fuckin freight train. I'm glad it was dark out so no one could see me crying.
Satan: So...maybe this isn't all about Tiffany?
Tom: Maybe not. Two people have posited the notion that maybe I am still stressed out from finals, which aren't over yet.
Satan: But they're almost over right? Why do you need therapy?
Tom: Yesterday morning Tiffany and I talked and it was all good. She sent me an email later asking me what time I was gonna be home so she could call me. I told her and made plans to be around when she called. I was on my way home and decided to check my email on a whim. She had sent me another email telling me that she wouldn't be able to call me until later because she was going to see Punk and Porn. If I hadn't have checked my email on a whim I would have been waiting again and gotten very, very upset. Instead of getting upset about it, I sent her an email asking if we could set up a time that's convenient for both of us to talk so I'm not waiting around going nuts and she's not feeling like a bad girlfriend because she doesn't have a phone.
Satan: And?
Tom: She called me and was upset about the email. She says she tries really hard to call me and she doesn't have a phone and when we first hooked up she TOLD me that she needs someone who can keep up with her busy life. I just want to stop feeling the way I have been for the past 3 days and I was asking for her help. Instead I feel like I got attitude and misunderstanding. I went to bed absolutely livid.
Satan: What are you gonna do?
Tom: I don't know. She said she'd call me at two today. I'm afraid to say anything about it.
Satan: Okay, okay, hold on here. You're REALLY tweaked about this whole thing. You've already said it might not all be about the phone situation...
Tom: Yeah. I'm really fuckin afraid and insecure in relationships.
Satan: Well, fuck man...aren't we all?
Tom: I don't fuckin' know. I ain't you.
Satan: So how do you feel about her right now?
Tom: I love her. I miss her and I think it's coming out in fucked up ways. Last night I was almost mad enough to punch a hole in the fucking wall, but I would have given anything to talk to her for five more minutes. Right now I'm at work and I've been checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she's sent something. Every time the phone rings I look to see if it's her number. I'm driving myself nuts.
Satan: Relax.
Tom: Huh, easy for you to say.
Satan: Oh yeah Tom, I'm not really you. Fuck you.
Tom: No fuck you.
Satan: Look man...
Tom: Hey, I TOLD her I have baggage too, but NOOOOOO, she didn't believe me... "Oh you're PERFECT Tom, you're so handsome and sweet." Maybe baby, but I gotta tell you...
Satan: No buts. Just quit being a shithead right now.
Tom: That's the tragedy. I'm not trying to be a shithead.
Satan: Look this is getting really sad. Will you just give yourself AND your poor girlfriend a break?
Tom:
Satan: Oh hell.
Tom:
Satan:
Tom:
Satan: Well?
Tom: Well what?
Satan: Oh screw you man, I'm outta here. Gonna go listen to my new Bill Hicks CD. FUCK YOU.
Tom: Fine. I got plenty to do here. I'm totally okay now. I feel great. I can totally resist the urge to check my email every five minutes. Screw you.
20041212
Tom: Hi.
Satan: Hello.
Tom: I've been away a while.
Satan: Yeah.
Tom: I'd like to think you've been missing me.
Satan: Sure. What do you want?
Tom: I've been kinda apprehensive the past few days.
Satan: Having second thoughts about dropping everything and moving to Austin, eh?
Tom: Well, no. I think I'm at a place I always get to when I really want someone. I feel helpless and childish and bitchy.
Satan: Sounds like it's really hard for you to give yourself to someone. Don't do it if you're not sure.
Tom: I'm sure I want to do this. Can't I worry about it too?
Satan: What do you worry about? Don't you think Tiffany loves you?
Tom: I think Tiffany loves me. But I listen to a lot of classical music. Is that gonna be okay? Jesus Christ, why do I get like this?
Satan: Get like what?
Tom: I JUST TOLD YOU, FUCKER.
Satan: Ah.
Tom: WHAT?
Satan: I said, "Ah," as in, "I see."
Tom: Goddammit you better fucking tell me RIGHT NOW...
Satan: Can't do it. That's the point. I can't tell you, so I'm not going to. You'll find out on your own. Don't worry too much, okay?
Tom: You simple, smug, motherfucking bastard. I'll cut you motherfucker, I'LL FUCKING BURN YOU!
Satan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Tom: I hate you.
Satan: Hello.
Tom: I've been away a while.
Satan: Yeah.
Tom: I'd like to think you've been missing me.
Satan: Sure. What do you want?
Tom: I've been kinda apprehensive the past few days.
Satan: Having second thoughts about dropping everything and moving to Austin, eh?
Tom: Well, no. I think I'm at a place I always get to when I really want someone. I feel helpless and childish and bitchy.
Satan: Sounds like it's really hard for you to give yourself to someone. Don't do it if you're not sure.
Tom: I'm sure I want to do this. Can't I worry about it too?
Satan: What do you worry about? Don't you think Tiffany loves you?
Tom: I think Tiffany loves me. But I listen to a lot of classical music. Is that gonna be okay? Jesus Christ, why do I get like this?
Satan: Get like what?
Tom: I JUST TOLD YOU, FUCKER.
Satan: Ah.
Tom: WHAT?
Satan: I said, "Ah," as in, "I see."
Tom: Goddammit you better fucking tell me RIGHT NOW...
Satan: Can't do it. That's the point. I can't tell you, so I'm not going to. You'll find out on your own. Don't worry too much, okay?
Tom: You simple, smug, motherfucking bastard. I'll cut you motherfucker, I'LL FUCKING BURN YOU!
Satan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Tom: I hate you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)