Tom: What is Tom?

Satan: Tom is a 23-year white heterosexual male. He plays the guitar and the piano. He sings too.

Tom: So he's a musician?

Satan: Up until about two years ago he refused to call himself a musician because he believed that one had to make their living playing music in order to legitimately call oneself a "musician". He has since revised his definition.

Tom: Yeah but is he any good?

Satan: He can play accurate excerpts of Beethoven and Mozart piano sonatas, Chopin nocturnes, Bach inventions, as well as his own compositions, and he has played guitar and/or sang with miscellaneous "rock" bands in just about every bar in town.

Tom: What else?

Satan: Well, other than music, he's usually thinking about sex or ontology.

Tom: Does he fuck a lotta bitches?

Satan: No. When he thinks about sex it's not usually just a matter of in/out penetration. He prefers to single out one woman at a time and transform her into his intellectual and neurotic equal. After that he attempts to seduce his hapless victim by giving her the best head she's ever had, thus binding her to him through a combination of codependant devotion and raw carnal lust. Frustration often results when he steps out of his reality-tunnel long enough to realize that his intended target isn't playing along. This process can take anywhere from five minutes to seven months.

Tom: What was the other thing you mentioned?

Satan: Ontology?

Tom: Is he some sorta fuckin' existentialist?

Satan: Not especially.