Maturity School

I really need to find a job. I've been looking almost everyday; a few interviews with temp agencies and a few applications have been turned in. I guess it's time to start acting as desperate as I really am, which means taking anything that comes along: fast food, retail, telemarketing...

I spent 2 hours playing video games today instead of looking for a job. It was just such a beautiful Sunday.

Since I entered SDSU, I have had to relearn how to provide for myself. It is difficult making ends meet on a fixed income. I did a lot better at it in the spring than I did in the fall, so I'm trying to go easy on myself. Obviously I still have a lot to learn. What confuses me is that before I went back to school full-time, I did it for four years without a major hitch. Even after the life-threatening fire that took almost all of my personal possessions I got back on my feet without ever returning to the bosom of my mother or father's household.

I look at the people I go to school with, most of them several years younger, and can't help but notice the differences in socio-economic standing. Their parents seem to help them with everything. I do not loathe them. I envy them. It's the sort of situation I want to provide for my children.

I've been hanging out with Aaron again. Aaron, I have determined, comes from the most functional family out of my five closest friends, with the exception of Dominic. Aaron's life is financially stable. In the past he has said that I could be where he was if I had really wanted it. I could have done well in college and gotten scholarships. I didn't like high school. I stopped concentrating on school in the sixth grade. Until then I was an excellent student. My parents divorced in high school and it destroyed every illusion I had. It wasn't the sort of thing that I could simply shrug off. So is it my parents fault I am where I am? I don't want to play the blame game. I don't blame anyone for the person I am. The truth is, I don't think I'm that bad of a person. Oh wait, I think I just figured it out: I've spent the better part of a year giving my all, or at least 99% of it, to one thing: school. I got one "B". The rest were "A's". I blocked everything else out: music, reading, writing, personal growth. That's how much I put into and I think now I simply want a return on my investment. The problem is, I don't think there's going to be a pot of gold and/or self-actualization waiting for me when I get my degree.

Nevertheless, I guess what I'm experence may simply be a case of the bends as I rapidly decompress from the pressures of academia.

But, to digress:
Perhaps I have always been on the path to financial mediocrity. After all, my parents have struggled all their lives. My dad doesn't anymore but that is because he married a woman with a master's degree.

Looking back, I think I will get out of here one day. That's why I liked Jay-Z right off the bat. I wanna change. Not all at once, I just wanna keep changing. All I want right now is to make music, my own music in the studio. Maybe I'll play with Dirtbike. Maybe I'll play with and Lee. I just want to pay my bills, pay off my smallest credit card, fix my motorcycle, and maybe get a tattoo.

Maybe I'll hump my girlfriend a few times and take her out to dinner.