Literary Genius

We should change the name of my page from "Why I'm Smarter Than You" to "How To Use Comma Splices."

I haven't posted shit because I've been doing other things. So fuck you.

I discovered the second movement of Beethoven's seventh symphony during my junior year in high school as my family was falling apart. I used to fall asleep to it every night, looking outside the window up at the black night sky, as my mother and father fought for the last few times. I imagined leaping out of my bedroom window and running across the rooftops, soaring into the dark sky and staying there forever.

The second movement of Beethoven's seventh symphony still moves me to tears, for the same reasons it always has. It is by turns utterly dark and utterly blithe. The music reflects the contrasting forces that have always shaped my perception of the world. It reminds me that salvation lies in accepting the complete, utter futility of human existence while still being able to laugh and weep and hold the people you love, all the while feeling everything around you, brilliantly. lt's still difficult to listen to.

I remember this one time, I must have been about eight or nine years old, I stole a bunch of money from my best friend Mike's house. I used to walk home with him and his little brother Brinton everyday after school. Our parents had hired this cute college chick named Terry to watch us at Mike and Brinton's house until they got home. I don't remember exactly why or how, but for some reason I was in the garage all by myself, somewhere in the vicinity of the washer and dryer. The bottom panel fell off the dryer as I was on my way out. I stopped to put it back on and when I knelt down I saw a LARGE amount of gold and silver coins, just out of sight, right underneath the dryer.

I sat there for a second before reaching out and scooping up a big handful. Then I took some more. And more. And more. I remember being very afraid I would get caught, but it was also very exhilarating; completely, utterly consumed by greed, I thought I'd never have to worry about money again. I waddled out of the garage and into the house looking completely guilty, pockets bulging with linty coinage.

I was smart enough not to flash the money until I got home. I had been sitting at the dining room table for some time, arranging the coins into neat stacks, when my mom and dad walked in and sat at the other end of the table. They asked me how I happened to come by my newly acquired wealth and I told them I had been saving up the change from my lunch money. For a long time now. A long, long time.

I was full of shit. But I must have insisted convincingly enough because eventually they left me alone. I don't remember what I spent the money on.

What the fuck is up with the stupid people who are "driving" on the road? Yesterday I was on a freeway offramp where after a curve you have a lane that ends and you need to change lanes. The guy in front of me comes to a complete stop and is unable to pull out to change lanes. I yelled "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS DRIVE IN YOUR LANE THEN MERGE OVER!" but he did not listen so I drove over the curb to get around him and then forced the car in the next lane to slam on its brakes just so I could get around this asshole who CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE!!! I really need to install my 130dB horn before these people drive any worse.

Aaron's Driving Tips:
1) If turning right, pull into the bike lane. There's no reason why your SUV needs a 40 foot turning radius, so get out of my way.
2) When merging, don't panic. Just drive and things usually take care of themselves.
3) If by the grace of God I actually give you the right of way, it's probably because you have it. Don't wave me through or look at me with a blank face. Drive and get the fuck out of my way.
4) If I honk at you, realize that you probably did something stupid. Deal with your personal inadequacies. Don't get mad and cut me off or give me the "stare of death" or any of that petty shit. Learn to drive and you will avoid my 130dB correction device.
5) Don't get upset about turn signals. If I'm driving 20 MPH faster than you, warning you about going into your lane is pretty moot.
6) Drive the speed limit. If you drive the speed limit and I pass you, that's my problem. If you drive slower, expect my horn. Most cars have twice the horsepower of my little 4-cylinder purple Cavalier, so you have no excuse.
7) Finally, if you do anything so stupid that you piss me off, I have license to do anything I want, no matter how unsafe, to get around your stupid ass.

My friend Linh bought me a journal for my birthday last year. On the cover it says "A Journal With Words of Thich Nhat Hanh, Finding Our True Home." Thich Nhat Hanh is a poet, Zen master, and peace activist who was nominated by Martin Luther King Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize. In exile from his native Vietnam since 1966, he lives in Plum Village, the meditation community he founded in southwestern France. As of today the journal is about 1/4 of the way filled with my poetry, potential song lyrics, and other assorted ramblings. Every other page or so there's a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh, and it's interesting to compare his words with mine. Some of my favorites:

Thich Nhat Hanh: Seeing and loving always go together...Great understanding goes with great compassion.
Tom: Well...I'm stuck in this house all day long, so I don't really have much to compare myself to.

Thich Nhat Hanh: If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence.
Tom: One day in Women's Studies class I was thinking about pornography.

Thich Nhat Hanh: By making peace with our parents, in us we have a chance to make real peace with ourselves.
Tom: I came to the body of the dying girl and laid down beside her.

Thich Nhat Hanh: A smile refreshes your whole being and strengthens your practice. Don't be afraid to smile.
Tom: I fantasize about fucking a girl who understands.

Thich Nhat Hanh: Please make yourself into someone we can rely on.
Tom: It was everything I needed to fall completely in lust.

Thich Nhat Hanh: Follow your breathing, dwell mindfully on your steps, and soon you will find your balance. Visualize a tiger walking slowly, and you will find that your steps become as majestic as hers.

Tom: I slid my cock halfway in. It was tight, gloriously tight. She gasped and held me even tighter. I pushed it the rest of the way in and paused. My cock stiffened more than I ever imagined it could, utterly filling the sweet, hot, moist cavity of her vagina. I brought it out, slowly, then pushed it back in again. It became too much for me and I did the only thing I could do: I ravished her. I tore her apart with all the skill I could muster. She came before me in a beautiful, back-arching spasm and when it was my turn, I came with a powerful, surging force, my seed utterly filling the confines of her exquisite cunt.

It looks as if Dirtbike will be taking a sabbatical for a while, perhaps a summer if I understand correctly. For the few people that actually read this webpage, I guess this is something you should know. I think it is unfortunate, but everyone is pretty burnt out. Shows like Club Xanth and Joe & Andy's Hole in the Wall really seem to take the steam right out of us, and morale is pretty low right now. We have disbanded once before and came back with a lot of new material, and perhaps that can happen again, although there is no guarantee that we will continue playing at all. If this is the case, I'd like to thank everyone for your support of our music and for being there at all our shows. If not, we expect you to come on our grand reunion tour of SD county.

What I wish they paid me to do:

Sit in a little office room, cool and comfortable
turn computer on, drink orange juice
read email, send email
surf the web for news, pornography, and mp3s
masturbate
nap
wake up
play violent computer games
modify personal website
compose for a while
play acoustic guitar
read email, send email
masturbate
nap
wake up
go home

O Blasphemer!

Last week, as I was walking back to my car, I passed a girl, getting into her car, who sneezed. After a few moments, she must have realized that I was not going to say anything. She then proceeded to very blatantly exclaim, "Bless me!" obviously implying that I was some sort of asshole. I almost replied, "I don't believe in your god, and I don't believe in blessings. And frankly, I find it rather rude that you would expect me to proffer up some out-dated colloquialism to satisfy you ill-founded beliefs." Instead, I just stared at her for an uncomfortably long time...

Poop

And speaking of poop... For as long as I can remember, I've always felt that defecation and flatulence are amusing phenomena. But it wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why. While I was pooping, I imagined a kingly white male, whose arrogance is expressed in the pronounced wrinkles one acquires from smirking at those "beneath" him. I imagined this man, who fancies himself a master of women, a conquerer of men, and a crusader against all that he deems inappropriate, squatting over a bowl, with his pants in a bunch around his ankles, grunting and breathing heavily as a log of excrement, complete with undigested corn, plops into the unfortunate waters below him. Now that's fuckin' funny.

Bathroom Philosophy

Every Thursday, at school, I have to take a crap because I'm stuck there for almost 11 hours. The bathroom I frequent on those special days is a small, quaint deal that's conveniently out of the way. So, imagine my surprise when I saw grafitti in "my" stall. However, this was no ordinary grafitti. It was (almost) so compelling that I felt I had to throw in my two cents, marking the first time I have ever defaced a public facility...with a black pen. A transcription follows (my contributions are italicized because I'm special):

"Everyday is tomorrows [sic] future."

"No it's not. Everyday is yesterday's future. You are a dumb ass. If you don't like it, EAT A DIC" (pen obviously runs out of ink)

"You're both stupid. Every day is today's future."

"Technically, every day is a part of the future, which is bigger than just yesterday, today, or tomorrow."

"Except that the future can't exist any time but now."

"Yes!!"

Psychological Egoism is inescapable...

Emotional torture-erotica? That's fucking BRILLIANT!

Jesus Christ, every fucking time I log onto this website you sink further and further into your own cesspool of emotional torture-erotica. What is the true problem, Tea-bagg? Are you suicidal or horny? Anxious or desperate? Your ambivalence is really starting to annoy me. You need to ask yourself one question "What do I want?" and then do the exact opposite of it every fucking time because your hedonism has made you an empty shell, a fire that constantly needs the fuel of self-gratification. You owe me five dollars, bitch!

Reality is an even scarier thing than shit-covered death.

That's why, lately, I've been doing drugs.

I used to worry that after I had sex I wouldn't feel anything. I was afraid that I would lose my soul, that I would lose all sense of identity and become nothing more than an empty shell. Having since survived several sexual relationships I have found the opposite to be true. As I get older, my consciousness continues to grow, and with it the capacity to experience emotions on a wider scale than I ever thought possible. Maybe that's why old people don't talk too much, and when they do, it's usually about nothing. Maybe it's because only the interesting die young.

At times it seems that my grip on reality is tenuous at best, that the anchors which usually weigh me somewhat securely to my place in the space-time continuum are cast hopelessly adrift. My friends, my family, my city, my apartment, my bedroom, my clothes, my hands, my feet, my entire body...I feel so utterly disconnected from all of them. I exist only as pure consciousness and am forced to see everything around me as it truly is: ephemeral, temporary, utterly fragile. In ten thousand years everything I've ever loved or hated will have been utterly annihilated by the hideous, meticulous passage of time. I'm not sure if this is what inspired

my new poem.

When I was younger I was always intrigued by people who exuded intelligence and capability without saying much. I aspired to be like them, radiating the same sense of quiet, sanguine wisdom.

Right now I don't feel like talking much, that's for sure. But I probably still do. I think I get it from my dad:

Dude, I don't get it? Is Kate going out with Dominic still? Are you going out with Annavelle again? What the hell is going on?

I was doing my laundry when another neighbor in my apartments left a note saying "come by apt 153 when you are done, thanks". So after I changed my laundry, I go to the next apartment over and a woman opens the door wearing a bikini (probably because all her clothes were dirty). I was shocked to see this neighbor of mine wearing what is basically her underwear. She smiled warmly and I realized my attraction to her. This attraction was not "good" since I am getting married soon.

I thought about this for a while because I love my girlfriend a lot and yet my thoughts betray me. My belief is it is not unnatural to find other women attractive, but love is much more than just attraction. I am attracted to my girlfriend, but she is not the only attractive woman in the world. I have a strong connection with my girlfriend, however, that is much harder to find than simple beauty. After thinking it through, I am not threatened by committment to her because I love who she is as well as finding her attractive. All and all, I think I just wish my girlfriend wore bikinis.

The gig at Club Xanth was kind of pointless. We only got to play for a half hour and our people had to pay eight (8) whole dawllers to see us. Knowing our few bastard unloyal fans we'll be lucky if anybody shows up at our next show. We didn't have much of a chance to expand our fanbase either: when each band set up their friends came in, watched them play, clapped, and then left as soon as the band stopped playing. All this on a Friday night... I'm just glad for the friends who did come to our show. I am eternally grateful to all (yes even you Dominic) and if any of you would like me to put your picture up on the website, I will.

About a week and a half ago I realized that the one great goal of my life is to make something of myself in a relationship. All else comes naturally for me, all else comes easily. In all other things the next step is always there, right in front of me. Only after privately and pathetically fiending for every woman I saw, after masturbating four (4) times a day to bad pornography, only after weeks of melancholic despair did it finally dawn on me that my heart was broken by my break-up with Annavelle.

Thank goodness she didn't stop loving me.

I was sitting in my ethnomusicology class today watching a video about Japanese court music when I suddenly and quite unexpectedly heard the unmistakable sound of an approaching didgeridoo. All heads turned and looked out of the window in time to see my dear friend Bob bark at something from the second story balcony of the music building. He was with two other guys and one of them had the didgeridoo. They laughed and moved on, leaving my classmates stunned and confused. Luckily no one saw or heard me snickering in my seat at the back of the classroom.