Tom: This morning I was thinking about going into therapy.

Satan: Why would you need therapy when you have me for a confidant? Me, a figment of your imagination that you personify with a Biblical name that stands for everything evil, unwholesome, and destructive in the universe. I'm genuinely hurt.

Tom: Fuck you, bitch. I'm all jacked up over a woman.

Satan: Can't get that shit on lockdown?

Tom: Honestly, I don't know what my fuckin' problem is anymore. Monday morning she sent me a few emails saying she was worried about money and then I started worrying too. She said she was gonna call me at 7 that night. I figured I'd be okay until then but I was still worried as fuck. She was tired and fell asleep and didn't call me until like 1 in the morning. By that time I had already left in a huff, gone to the beach and wept harder than I have in years, came back, and went to bed sad and angry.

Satan: Jesus fucking Christ man, you cried over that?

Tom: No. I'm leaving for Austin on Sunday and I've been planning on going to one of my favorite beaches before I leave so I can say some goodbyes, you know real spiritual shit like that. I went to La Jolla and the waves breaking underneath the black sky were too much. I've been going to that beach since I was a child and I started getting hit with all sorts of images of my family: my mom picking up seashells, my dad and I playing in the surf, stuff like that. I know how much my parents mean to me and in the past two years or so I've been coming to grips with the fact that I'm not going to have them one day. I'm okay with it but goddamn it was overwhelming. Then I thought of my pregnant sister, who I love just as much. This whole "circle of life" thing completed itself in my head and it was as overwhelming as getting run over by a fuckin freight train. I'm glad it was dark out so no one could see me crying.

Satan: So...maybe this isn't all about Tiffany?

Tom: Maybe not. Two people have posited the notion that maybe I am still stressed out from finals, which aren't over yet.

Satan: But they're almost over right? Why do you need therapy?

Tom: Yesterday morning Tiffany and I talked and it was all good. She sent me an email later asking me what time I was gonna be home so she could call me. I told her and made plans to be around when she called. I was on my way home and decided to check my email on a whim. She had sent me another email telling me that she wouldn't be able to call me until later because she was going to see Punk and Porn. If I hadn't have checked my email on a whim I would have been waiting again and gotten very, very upset. Instead of getting upset about it, I sent her an email asking if we could set up a time that's convenient for both of us to talk so I'm not waiting around going nuts and she's not feeling like a bad girlfriend because she doesn't have a phone.

Satan: And?

Tom: She called me and was upset about the email. She says she tries really hard to call me and she doesn't have a phone and when we first hooked up she TOLD me that she needs someone who can keep up with her busy life. I just want to stop feeling the way I have been for the past 3 days and I was asking for her help. Instead I feel like I got attitude and misunderstanding. I went to bed absolutely livid.

Satan: What are you gonna do?

Tom: I don't know. She said she'd call me at two today. I'm afraid to say anything about it.

Satan: Okay, okay, hold on here. You're REALLY tweaked about this whole thing. You've already said it might not all be about the phone situation...

Tom: Yeah. I'm really fuckin afraid and insecure in relationships.

Satan: Well, fuck man...aren't we all?

Tom: I don't fuckin' know. I ain't you.

Satan: So how do you feel about her right now?

Tom: I love her. I miss her and I think it's coming out in fucked up ways. Last night I was almost mad enough to punch a hole in the fucking wall, but I would have given anything to talk to her for five more minutes. Right now I'm at work and I've been checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she's sent something. Every time the phone rings I look to see if it's her number. I'm driving myself nuts.

Satan: Relax.

Tom: Huh, easy for you to say.

Satan: Oh yeah Tom, I'm not really you. Fuck you.

Tom: No fuck you.

Satan: Look man...

Tom: Hey, I TOLD her I have baggage too, but NOOOOOO, she didn't believe me... "Oh you're PERFECT Tom, you're so handsome and sweet." Maybe baby, but I gotta tell you...

Satan: No buts. Just quit being a shithead right now.

Tom: That's the tragedy. I'm not trying to be a shithead.

Satan: Look this is getting really sad. Will you just give yourself AND your poor girlfriend a break?

Tom:

Satan: Oh hell.

Tom:

Satan:

Tom:

Satan: Well?

Tom: Well what?

Satan: Oh screw you man, I'm outta here. Gonna go listen to my new Bill Hicks CD. FUCK YOU.

Tom: Fine. I got plenty to do here. I'm totally okay now. I feel great. I can totally resist the urge to check my email every five minutes. Screw you.