More Email hijinx or Dear Blasphemer

Every once in a while someone emails the Dirtbike website. More often than not I send them an "automated" response:

Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for your recent correspondence with Dirtbike! Due however to the voluminous amount of mail
each of the members receives they are unable to answer your letter. Keep on buying!

Thomas Amans
Production Correspondent
Dirtbike Affairs International


One time Ray made the mistake of sending me an email via the website, so of course I sent him the above response. Here's what happened afterwards.

--- Ray Holmes
wrote:

Dear Automated Response:

Take your apologies and shove them up your ass. I am a human being and therefore should be treated like a God. If you don't start making UPS deliver my 2nd Day Air packages in two days, I'm going to kill you and everyone like you. Asshole.

Raymond L.Holmes III
Public Relations
Dirtbike Affairs International


-----Original Message-----
From: tom amans
Sent: Saturday, January 27, 2001 10:55 AM
To: Ray Holmes
Subject: RE: Dirtbike

Dear Mr Holmes:

It is my sad to regret to inform you that due to your unprecedented insolence you will no longer receive any packages, ever. Keep on buying! (ass)

Thomas Amans
Automated Retaliation
Dirtbike Affairs International


--- Ray Holmes wrote:

Deer Mr. Amahns:

I am appalled that you would have the Unmitigated Audacity to call Me insolent. The very statement is insolent in itself. I am regurgitated by the sustenance of your whore. Now that you have annoyed Me, I will single handedly destroy Dirtbike.

Your dreams are My toys.

Raymond L. Holmes III
Batterie (Percussion and Members)
Dirtbike Affairs International


-----Original Message-----
From: tom amans
Sent: Tuesday, January 30, 2001 2:10 PM
To: Ray Holmes
Subject: RE: Dirtbike

Dear Raymus:

As usual, your petty insults have had no effect whatsoever upon my golden ego. Sticks and stones may break my bones, Mr. Holmes, but you are merely a lump of shit sliding off of my teflon hide. Mispronouncing my surname is another matter entirely. You leave me with no choice but to insert my whore into your nostrils until such time that I see fit to remove it. You have 2 hours. Good day.

Thomas Edward Amans
Automated Sinusoidal Retaliation
Dirtbike Affairs International


--- Ray Holmes wrote:

Mr. Fuck-butt:

As usual, your petty attempt to appear unscathed by my beautifully timed, well deserved insults has failed. Deep down inside it is quite obvious that you are in emotional turmoil; your soul is being ripped apart by he truth that has been so blatantly exposed to it. As for the mispronunciation of your surname, anyone with a name that stupid deserves to be killed (or have their name mispronounced.) I bequeath unto you the bullshit that you have so rudely slung my way, thereby soiling the very nature of my altruism. Go to Hell, Amans.

Raymond L. Holmes III
Dangerously Devilish Defamation Director
Dirtbike Affairs International


-----Original Message-----
From: tom amans
Sent: Tuesday, February 06, 2001 9:03 PM
To: Ray Holmes
Subject: RE: Dirtbike

Mr. Asslicking Cuntboy:

Wherein the course of human events it is becomes evident that all attempts at peaceful coercion have been rendered ineffectual, it becomes the sacred duty of all self-respecting individuals to smite those who should be coerced into gracious servitude. I am hereby announcing a hostile take over of all Ray Holmes controlled departments and their affliated subsidiaries.

Fuck you,

Thomas Edward Amans II
Super Duper Cool Guy Gonna Kick Your Ass Oh Yeah
Dirtbike Affairs International


--- Ray Holmes wrote:

Dear Ass-Head-Wookie-Nose:

Peaceful coersion my ass. You're one of the most barbaric idiots I know. I would be afraid of your plan to take over all Dirtbike affairs, however you already do everything. And that's the way it should be, bitch. Get me a beer and send you girlfriend over to my house. Let her have a taste of what real lovin' is.

Raymond L. Holmes III
Memberus Giganticus
Dirtbike Affairs International


-----Original Message-----
From: tom amans
Sent: Tuesday, February 13, 2001 1:44 PM
To: Ray Holmes
Subject: RE: Dirtbike

Dear Penus Insignificus:

I would concede and give in to your demands however you, like my girlfriend, have no house of your own. I could send her over to your "benefactor's" place of residence; she is, however, much too busy paying her "rent" on a nightly basis to be concerned with such
miniscule affairs. Please die.

Thomas Edward Amans II
Johnsonus Biggerus Than Yoursest
Dirtbike Affairs International


Dear Blasphemer:

The Lord shall smiteth thee, and rain fire down upon thee, and shoot holes in thy soul with a really big pellet gun. Thou hast rejected Him and thou shalt feel His wrath. His big, hairy, salty, mealy wrath. O' wretched non-believer, thou hast sealed thine own miserable fate. There is room for the Devil in thy heart.

Rev. Raymond L. Holmes III
The Lord's Humble Servant
Dirtbike Affairs Universal